How to feel like an idiot!

1. Recklessly decide to crash a social scene you don't belong to.
2. Overdress.
3. Don't look anyone in the eyes. Instead, stare at the ground and count out loud for several minutes at atime.
4. Bump into people with your butt.
5. Hook instead of cross over. (I didn't understand that one either, but it was pointed out repeatedly that I was doing it.)

Have you guessed yet? Ryan and I, at the invitation of our nauseatingly naturally talented friends Sara and Jay, went to a ballroom dancing class last night. We were in the minority there, considering that we're under 65 and married. Oh, we also qualified as in the minority because as a couple, we are about as graceful as our dog Brutus falling down the stairs (which, incidentally, he just did.)

We were to learn the West Coast Swing. Sara arrived and pulled out her glittery, open-toed ballroom shoes from her bag. "Oh, didn't I mention I danced ballroom in college?" NO!!! She had forgotten to tell me about that. She probably knew I was less likely to show up for the class if I had known.

We were given a quick review of the basic step that was taught last week, as this was a 4-week tutorial and we had missed the first one. Not too bad. We were getting the hang of it. It was a lot like the Michael Scott shuffle with a quick step here and there. Forward-back, forward-back, etc. Then came the "left-side pass" and the "underarm pass". Jay, of course, was proficient at these because they were couched in football terms (and did I mention that they are sickeningly good at everything?). Ryan and I couldn't seem to decide who was leading, where to go, or how we got there. Ryan butt contacted an Asian lady who then interrupted her dancing to pantomime some monkey actions that I guess were supposed to resemble our moves. "All in good fun!" she joked after making fun of us. Who said the elderly are nice?

Then we had to switch partners. Ryan was being mentored by an older lady with coal black stenciled eyebrows while I strutted with one of the pre-AARP male partners who coached me to stop looking at my feet. He was actually really nice about it, I just couldn't respond to him because of the counting out loud issue. Change partners again. Paul (the gentleman who had shined his dancing shoes before donning them at the start of class) showed me how to keep my arm stiff so he could lead me through anything. True to his word, he could get me through the left side pass without falling over. I had lost track of Ryan at that point but I stumbled through the rest of the class.

After an hour the instructor announced that there would be two songs to practice and then they'd start on the intermediate portion of the class. Finally, I could be reunited with Ryan. Of all choices, they put on a rappin' remix of "I Wear my Sunglasses at Night" by Corey Hart for us to try to keep time in. We were not graceful or fluid. We were jerky and clumsy, tripping over each other and stopping repeatedly to resume counting after we completely lost it.

When the intermediate instruction began--twirls added to passes, we snuck out. Shameless, I know. But we laughed so hard in the car on the way home that I think it was worth it. I can't wait for next week.